697. Things That Are Better Than Sliced Bread

Sliced Bread Made Better as Toast Art

So there’s a saying as you know most likely, “Greatest Thing Since Sliced Bread.” It’s well and a good thing sho’ ‘nuff, but really just how good is sliced bread….really? Sure you can whip up a PB&J quickly with some wonder bread but as far as mankind’s inventions or a bar of what is really good, isn’t sliced bread a low bar? I’ve got about 2,0000 things I can think of, most of them right here in my house, that I hold in higher regard than sliced bread?? It just doesn’t seem to be a standard that is all that difficult to best.

Okay let’s face it, Little Caesars is the one thing I can think of off the top of my head that actually isn’t better than sliced bread but they are the one that made a commercial about it, or at least paid for a marketing agency to make a commercial. But when you are looking at the things in your life that are actually better than sliced bread… family, music (even Justin Beiber), other non-processed non-preservative foods, the combustion engine, Mark the Bird Fidrych’s short career, social media, the coalition to end world hunger, the coalition to save the Booby (the bird), the coalition for the appreciation of boobies (yeah it’s a thing I’m sure), and on and on.

When you think about it, keeping sliced bread as the gold standard should be upgraded to “The Greatest Thing Since Sliced Bread when of course it’s made into toast art with a kitchen blow torch.” But then that’s a mouthful isn’t it?

I mean Willie Nelson on toast?? What kind of Texan doesn’t love such a thing? The only way you could make it better is to put some Hank Williams’ Pepper Jelly and some Merle Haggard Pecan Butter on that shit right there and make a Willie Hank Merle sandwich out of it. Mmmmmmm-Mmmmmm tasty!!

I mean unless you are going to torture a cat by making him or her or whatever their preferred pronoun is, just about anything outside of Donald Trump could be considered the greatest thing since sliced bread. I mean gluten and carb overload oh my!!!!! Now look at this stuff:

Now stop a minute for reflection on some things in your life that might just be better than sliced bread. Did you come up with one or two? I’ll bet you did. Outside of making a Cheese Whiz sandwich on wonder bread, I can’t think of too many things that would fall lower on my list than sliced bread. Some say bread is life. I say sliced bread is bullshit man! Just send your intent to join my group I’m starting, the international coalition of like-minded people that think there’s a whole lotta shit that is actually better than sliced bread. The Man and Sliced Bread have been holding us back all these many years.

Things that are better than sliced bread. So so freaking many good things. Peace and gluten to you.

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