775. The Bugle’s War in Elk River, Idaho

How does one take Elk River??

In 2011 John Oliver and Andy Zaltzman of the satirical podcast The Bugle declared war against Elk River, Idaho… a town that had previously only known peace. That was about to change.

In December 2017 The Bugle recognised Elk River as the capital of the United States, following the Trump administration’s announcement of plans to relocate the US embassy in Israel from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem.

When the Bugle podcast declares war on a town, those town folks better get ready. The good people of Elk River have had 9 years to ready the town against an onslaught of unavoidable and unassailable satire. It’s not every day that one gets to use “unassailable” in writing. Usually things are very “sailable,” on the whole, par for the course as they say, chap. What are the Brits up against in Elk River?

These kids are tough. Look at them!

Elk River is a city located in Idaho. With a 2020 population of 123, it is the 181st largest city in Idaho and the 17925th largest city in the United States. Elk River is currently declining at a rate of 0.00% annually and its population has decreased by -1.60% since the most recent census, which recorded a population of 125 in 2010. Elk River reached it’s highest population of 124 in 2010. Spanning over 0 miles, Elk River has a population density of 848 people per square mile.

The average household income in Elk River is $44,589 with a poverty rate of 18.52%. The median rental costs in recent years comes to – per month, and the median house value is $85,000. The median age in Elk River is 64.2 years, 67.1 years for males, and 63 years for females. For every 100 females there are 104.5 males.

Sure the citizens of Elk River are getting up in age, 67 but they have younger women, aged 63 on average. It may not be so easy.

The youngsters gathering around the school house seem to have a different thing in mind then to give their town up to two British satirist. 4th grader, Elk Horn Elementary’s widely agreed upon henchman, Keith Makiah, said, “Just they try to take out town. We have tether balls, and we know how to use them.”

Elk River War Episode

Let’s think about how this war thing might go down. Elk River is Southeast of Coeur D’Alene in the mountains, no major roads that lead into the town, just small county roads. There’s a reservoir, the Elk Creek Reservoir that could be crossed by boat as an avenue of approach.

But they do have an airport. All it takes is for one of the sixty-something males that can still ride a horse to play Paul Revere. There’s going to need to be an upgrade though in the signals. One if by land, two if by water, three if by air, because the airport you know. If the 1911 school house is still there, that’s a good place for the lanterns to hang while the horse back rider goes through town yelling his head off. Not sure what they’ll do with the info but at least they can break up the parcheesi game, bridge, whatev’s to prepare. Put a sniper up on that tower and they should be okay. Good citizens of Elk River, it’s been 9 years but the British are coming. Freedom for Elk River, a good thing. Now read this.

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